


Bridging the Divide

by TBe76



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M, T'hy'la
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:47:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21759307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TBe76/pseuds/TBe76
Summary: Kirk kisses Spock. Spock runs off to Gol. They're both fools.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock, Lori Ciani/James T. Kirk
Comments: 6
Kudos: 70





	1. The Kiss

The five-year mission was coming to an end and Kirk was more depressed than he had ever been before. He had been through a lot in his life, from losing his father while he was a small boy, to Tarsus, and everything that led him to become the youngest starship captain in the Fleet. But today he felt sadder than ever. The alcohol wasn’t helping, he knew that, but it was the only thing he had. He knocked another swig of Saurian brandy out of the decanter and then gave up and just swallowed straight from the bottle. He felt tears sting his cheeks and he let them fall. He went toward his bed and laid on it diagonally, not even bothering to take his boots off. "How could my life have gone so wrong in a matter of hours?" He wondered to himself. Even though he didn’t want to relive the events that transpired earlier in the evening, his mind began the whole wretched night again. 

It had seemed so simple at the time. Spock had come to his quarters for a game of chess. At first they had just been playing chess. They’d been talking about the possibility of requesting reassignment and the Enterprise refit. But when one of Spock’s fingers touched Kirk’s, he’d felt Spock’s thrill at the touch. Spock had pulled his hand back as if he’d been burned and it was clear by the look of panic in his First Officer’s eyes that Spock wasn’t aware that Kirk had felt his thoughts. Years of buried passion and longing rose up in Kirk. He decided then and there to go for broke. Only, he later realized, he didn’t pay attention to the panic in Spock’s eyes. And he should have. Dammit, he knew him better than anyone else, and he was too busy thinking with his little head to have handled the situation properly. 

Thinking only of the way his hand had made Spock feel, he’d moved the chess board aside and pulled Spock in for a kiss. At first Spock had been frozen. Then Spock had melted and for a few moments they were kissing urgently. He could feel Spock’s affection for him flowing through them. They were sharing some mental connection. Just as suddenly he could feel Spock’s sense of fear, regret, and self-loathing. Spock pushed him away and stood there with his hands trembling. For a moment he looked like he was going to break and collapse, but he finally blinked and drew a long breath. “I must go,” he said with a shaky voice so unlike Spock that Kirk hated himself even more. It would be ten minutes before he realized that Spock meant more than just leaving his quarters. His resignation from Starfleet effective immediately with intent to leave for Vulcan and pursue Kohlinar was messaged to Kirk with copies to all Starfleet brass and all Vulcan hierarchy including T’Pau and Sarek. It sealed his failure in one big interstellar Dear John letter. Kirk didn’t think he could hate himself any more than he already did, but when Spock refused all communications he began his true self-berating. 

The next morning Kirk knew he should answer McCoy’s calls. A ship’s captain should answer his chief medical officer. Particularly when said captain had missed breakfast and missed the start of his shift. But Kirk sat at his desk in the same spot he’d been most of the night, staring at the words on the screen as if he could change them. 

When McCoy used medical override and walked through his locked quarters Kirk didn’t acknowledge him. 

At first McCoy was anxious and concerned. Then he became mad. He’d read the screen, read the resignation. 

“What happened last night?” he demanded. “What’d you do? Show him your dick?” 

Kirk snapped out of his reverie. “I kissed him.” 

“Good God, Jim. Why the hell would you do that?” 

Kirk paused. “Because I love him. And because he wanted it.” 

“Doesn’t look like that to me. He’d have let someone take every bone from his body for you. But no, you had to be James Tomcat Kirk and make a move--” 

Kirk cut him off. “Stop. Please.” He knew he was begging. “Please, Bones. Don’t do this to me. I can’t forgive myself for this. But I promise you, for a minute he wanted it. Hell, he gave me the best kiss of my life back. But I pushed him and I of all people ought to know better. I will pay for this for the rest of my life. Please just leave me alone now.” 

McCoy had looked at the hurt in Kirk’s eyes, laid a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it gently before leaving. 

Two hours later McCoy came back in, using medical override again. Kirk saw the defeated look in his eyes. “I tried to reason with the pointy eared son of a bitch, but he no longer works for Starfleet so he threw me quite literally out of his quarters. There is nothing more I can do. We’ve got 4 more days til we’re back in dry dock. I don’t think he’s changing his mind. You should try--” 

Kirk cut him off sadly. “He won’t talk to me. He doesn’t work for Starfleet anymore. I destroyed his career and life in one fell swoop. Off to some Vulcan monastery.” 

McCoy gave a bitter laugh. “I have to give it you, Jim. Only you can kiss someone and it’s so good they go running off to a monastery to keep their celibacy intact.” 

Kirk gave a wry smile of his own. “I guess you can look at it that way.” His somber mood resumed. “I made him throw away a career. An amazing scientist and all his skills with alien cultures. And he’s going to spend the rest of his life as a monk so he never has to worry about feeling again.” 

McCoy snorted. “I imagine nights at a monastery aren’t going to help him forget your kiss. He doesn’t realize what he’s setting himself up for. I have a feeling he’ll relive it every night.” 

Kirk shrugged. “It won’t matter. Spock won’t leave there. He won’t quit two things back to back.” 

“You could be right.” McCoy conceded. 

“His parents are going to kill me.” 

McCoy stared blankly at him. “How are they going to know it’s your fault?” 

Kirk frowned. “They never even got to say goodbye to their son. He gave them as much a dear john mom and dad letter as he did me. They’ll figure it out.” 

McCoy sat with him in silence for a moment. “Have you asked for reassignment after the rebuild?” 

Kirk laughed, but the laugh was hollow and shaky. “I’ll never go on a starship again. Every corner I’d see Spock. No science officer or first officer would have a chance to live up to my expectations.” 

McCoy tried for humor. “Maybe they’ll let you fuck them.” 

Kirk was not amused. “Not funny. I’m accepting the admiralty. Nogura asked me to become Chief of Starfleet Operations. And I’ll get to teach cadets at the Academy.” 

“You’re going to become a goddamn paper pusher?!” McCoy asked incredulously. 

“Yep. And spend every day for the rest of my life wishing I’d done things differently.” 

“Jim. You’ll kill yourself being a chair-bound desk admiral.” 

Kirk kept his gaze focused on the ground. “Don’t have much of a life right now to worry about.” 

McCoy snorted. “So you’re going to waste your career too. Over a kiss. Because someone turned the famous Captain Kirk down.” 

Kirk bit back a thousand responses and finally said, “Captain Kirk died the day he got turned down by a certain Vulcan. He is dead inside now.”


	2. Divided

The next few days were a blur for him. He knew McCoy talked to him daily. McCoy chided him for falling in love with a computer and every other derogatory comment he could find. Even when the doctor threatened to file a report with Starfleet that Kirk was unfit for command, Kirk said nothing. McCoy didn’t file it. McCoy told him he was killing himself by taking a desk job and said if Kirk didn’t listen to him, he was quitting Starfleet himself. Kirk didn’t care about anyone or anything anymore. “Fuck off, Bones,” was all he could muster. He saw the hurt in McCoy’s eyes but he didn’t say anything to ease the pain. He turned and walked off, determined to never care or need anyone again.

Every night for a week he dreamed about Spock. And he was quite certain that there was some kind of vestigial link between them still. Maybe from all the times they had melded. He felt incredible sadness that was different from his own. He knew it was Spock’s. Spock felt regret. Immense regret. One night the weight of their combined regret was so complex that Kirk thought he would not be able to breathe for a long time.

Still, he woke up in the morning and went to work. He pushed papers all day long. Signed paperwork to have the Enterprise upgraded. Tried to smile for Scotty as the engineer proudly told him about all the new features the starship was going to have. But everything was a sham. He began to bury his feelings  and every night was a mess of drinking himself into unconsciousness. McCoy had been true to his words and had quit Starfleet. Chapel mentioned to him that he should check on his friend. Kirk had laughed sourly. “I don’t have friends anymore.” The way she looked at him made him ashamed, but he couldn’t fix anything. “I’m going to finish med school. When I get my doctorate, you better stay out of my way.” Kirk’s eyes widened at her threat. “What are you talking about?”

She looked him squarely in the eyes. “You’re using alcohol to cope. Most mornings you’re still intoxicated. I don’t care that you’re an Admiral now. Someone ought to put you in your place.”

“I’d say you’re doing a fine job of that now.”

Chapel looked at him with a mix of pity and something he couldn’t  identify . “You’ve driven away the two people in the universe who care about you the most. I don’t know why...”

Kirk was angry. And truth be told a bit hungover. Chapel was spot on. But he couldn’t take the chiding. “Spock drove himself away. Vulcan scaredy cat.”   
  
Christine looked at him with a sudden sense of comprehension. “Alright then. What about McCoy?”

Kirk hung his head back down. “I took my hurt out on him. Dammit Chapel, how come you have to twist the knife deeper?”

She laid a hand on his shoulder. “I didn’t mean to. Find something to do at night other than drink, please? I’ll see you in about a year.”

And she walked out of his office.

The next few nights he tried to take Chapel’s advice. He started reading every night. Whenever he felt like he had to drink he read a book. But there was no book that could help him sleep. After three sleepless nights he went back to the alcohol. Time was a blur. He worked on complete automatic movements. Get up. Get dressed. Push papers. Give some green cadets some encouraging bullshit. Push more papers. Go home. Drink. Drink. Drink. Pass out. Wake up in the morning and start it all over.

There were some afternoons around 2 pm that he began to feel Spock. He realized that it must be night for Spock and he was trying to mediate. And  evidently failing. McCoy was right. Spock was not doing well at night. The  remorse and regret of Spock’s would mix with Kirk’s and a few times he had to lock himself in his office. He hugged his knees tightly and sobbed against them. He could not process his own regrets and Spock’s. A part of him thought about calling a specialist. Surely someone on Vulcan could break this connection and get Spock out of his head. But he knew he wouldn’t do it. This connection was all he had left. And even though the sorrow and regret was so intense it paralyzed him he lived for the moment when the connection would flare. It was the most soul consuming emotion and the fact that the emotions completely mirrored his own made it suffocating. But for that moment he could feel Spock’s presence and that was worth the suffering.

The linked afternoons continued for about a week and then Spock must have figured something out because 2pm came and even 4 and 5 and there was nothing. And Kirk realized that he was even more depressed not to feel the connection. After two days of nothing Kirk couldn’t cope. That night he couldn’t go home. He realized that he hadn’t even let himself think of sex for a long time now.  _ How had it been 4 months since his world ended already? _ But he’d been afraid to close his eyes, afraid touching himself would bring up the most intense kiss of his life.  _ Alright _ , he told himself.  _ You’re going to get laid tonight. _

He went to the Galactica. It was a Starfleet officer hang out and here he wouldn’t have to worry about who he went home with. 

At first he was surprised that no one seemed to do much to introduce themselves to him. In fact, he had the distinct impression that people were gossiping about him, but he couldn’t catch what they were saying.  _ Spock would have been able to hea _ r he thought before mentally chiding himself for bringing up the name.  _ From now on _ , he said to himself,  _ he is “he who shall not be named.” Like that old kid’s story with the wizard and the snake. Whatever that was. Yes. He who shall not be named _ .

He knocked two more drinks back and began to smile at a blonde halfway down the bar. His mind frantically tried to match her face to names and ranks he’d seen in daily briefings. But to be honest he hadn’t paid any attention to any briefing in a long time.

He must have finally caught her attention because she got up and moved herself next to him. “Another for each of us,” she ordered the bartender. “Hi, I’m Lori.” She held a hand out and smiled at him. 

“Jim. Jim Kirk.” He said automatically, trying to keep his smile going even though the alcohol was acting more as a depressant than usual.

“Yes,” she smiled back. “Your reputation proceeds you. Youngest captain in the Fleet and all that.”

He flashed one of his megawatt smiles at her and said “Youngest admiral too.”

“Ah, yes. Congratulations on your promotion. I teach communications and protocol to some of our green cadets. They come into my classroom talking of your escapades and my  curriculum is so boring compared to that they have no interest in a word I’m saying.”

“I doubt that. They probably don’t hear a word you’re saying because they’re looking at your pretty face.”  _ Cool, it JT. Going too fast and sounding like pick up lines out of a book. _

But Lori’s drinks must have kept her from noticing and she gave a flirty laugh and laid a hand on his.

The rest of the night went by in a blur. Shortly after they’d had a few more drinks they went back to his apartment. They fucked with no ceremony and no pretense. He fell asleep immediately after and slept straight through the night for the first time in a long time.

When he woke up to his alarm, she was still there. A part of him was annoyed. He’d wanted it to be a one-time thing. He couldn’t--stop thinking—he tried to order his brain. But it was useless. A part of his mind felt  desperately for the link that he used to feel with Spock. It hurt him that he couldn’t feel it. For a moment he felt nauseous and couldn’t decide if it was alcohol, stress, or the pain where that connection used to be.

He put some coffee on and tried to clear his head. When Lori came out of the bathroom he handed her a cup of coffee and smiled at her. He knew he said some bullshit but it was truly a different part of his mind working.

“Why are you still here?” He asked suddenly. That was the other part of his brain he realized. It was like he had two minds now. The emotional aggressive depressed one. And the one that was trying to cope and be normal. He considered that he was probably going crazy. And he wasn’t sure he was going to be able to do anything about it.

Lori paused. She set her coffee down. “I like challenges.”

“I’m a challenge?” 

“You are trying so hard to send me away, aren’t you? I’m sorry I misunderstood--” she began to stand up.

“No, please.” He didn’t know why he was begging, but he was begging. “I know I’m a bit messed up emotionally right now. It’s hard to go from the expanse of the universe to a small apartment like this. And all that.” He paused. All that was an understatement.

“I have enjoyed our time so far together. I guess I just expect you to run out the door already and am trying to get the uncomfortable hurt out of the way.”

The uncomfortable hurt had nothing to do with her, but he didn’t elaborate.  Fortunately she took him at face value. “Alright. 


	3. Married Life

They dated for a bit. She practically moved into his apartment overnight and he let it happen. He knew he didn’t really love her. He certainly wasn’t in love with her. But she kept part of his mind off of  _ he who shall not be named _ and that was what he needed.

She shocked him one night. “Someone at HQ said you and Spock used to be a couple. Tha t you broke up with him.” Kirk was shocked and felt sick to his stomach. 

“Damn lies. I don’t know where people get shit like that from. He was my First Officer. That’s it.”

In his head he felt guilty for wishing they’d been more. But he wasn’t lying to her. It still shocked him that someone had thought that.

A few weeks later t hey went to Las Vegas for Valentine’s Day and signed a one year marriage  contract . They were both drunk. But he decided it was good. Rumor mill seemed happy that Admiral Kirk had finally settled down. People smiling at him more at work. Or maybe he just noticed it more. He didn’t know. But he felt a little happier. He still wouldn’t say he was happy. But he was happier.

Until three weeks later he overheard a conversation as he was coming around the corner. Two people he didn’t know were laughing. “ Heard the Admiral actually got married.  Guess Lori was more than just someone to get him over his breakup with Spock.”

He froze. He felt sick. Physically ill. The conversation continued. “What are you talking about?” the other person asked.   
  
“Come on,” the first person continued. “Everyone knows Kirk and Spock were a couple. When they broke up, they really broke up. Spock went and hid away on Vulcan.”

Kirk thought he was going to throw up. How many people talked like this? How many people thought they’d been together? The horrible irony of it made him angry.

Someone else had joined the first two. “Oh yeah!” he chimed in, “my cousin served on board the Enterprise for three months. He said the only time you ever saw any emotion from Spock was when he looked at Captain Kirk. Said he looked at him like he hung the moon and the stars. The rest of the time they said Spock was cold as ice.”

That was it! Kirk rounded the corner full speed. The three cadets had the decency to all blush. “The next time I hear myself or my First Officer being discussed in such a manner, you will all be kicked out of Starfleet. Do I make myself clear?”

He didn’t stay to listen to their yes sirs. He went in his office and locked the door. He sunk down to his knees and for the first time in over five months he felt the mental connection flare. Spock was feeling his pain this time. Kirk was sure of it. And it was making Spock feel ill. But he could feel what Spock was feeling too. It became too much. He vomited and passed out.

He awoke to Lori banging on the door. He was still in a pool of vomit but he opened the door. She walked in. “Jim, my God! What happened?”   


“I guess I picked up a stomach bug,” he lied. The pain in his head threatened to make him throw up again. “Or a migraine. I don’t know. I feel like shit.”

She was cleaning him up and he kept reaching out in his mind for Spock. But Spock was either asleep or  unconscious . He couldn’t feel anything anymore. Just the pain.

Lori must have called a medic. They were there and waving a scanner over him.

“Admiral. Your blood pressure is dangerously high. So is your pulse. I’m getting a stretcher.”

He wanted to laugh. He was pretty sure his body had just gone and matched Spock’s during their link. Probably Vulcan norm. But he said nothing. He let them give him medicine and was grateful when one of them made him sleep.

He awoke in a Starfleet  medbay . Lori was sitting in a chair next to him and smiled at him when he woke up. Kirk felt a mixture of pity for her and hate. He hated her. Even though she was good to him. He hated her now more than anything. He hated that the whole galaxy thought he’d had the privilege to be in a relationship with Spock. And he had never gotten anything more than a damn kiss.

Except he knew he’d had way more. True, nothing physical. But Bones had been right. Spock would have suffered the most horrific torture bit by bit to save him. They’d melded minds many times. God how he loved the feeling of Spock calming his thought processes down.

He had to stop and listen to Lori. She was talking to him. He realized she was taking him home. He’d come to hate their apartment. He hated everything.

Lori tucked him into bed and a few hours later he awoke briefly when she got into bed beside him. She’d kissed him on the forehead and he fell back asleep.

He woke up partially. He knew where he was but he couldn’t move. He was dreaming. Or Spock was dreaming. Or they both were dreaming. But he was rock hard. And in the dream they were kissing. And their cocks were touching. And Spock was sobbing mentally that he was sorry. He realized he was going to cum. There was nothing touching him in reality, but he came. Harder than he’d ever come before. And he screamed Spock’s name as he came. The minute he came he could move. He saw Lori’s gaping mouth and watched as tears came to her eyes. He sat there, his ejaculate still wet on the bed sheets. He saw her horrified face. She was shaking her head and crying. Finally she seemed to pull herself together and she slapped him. 

  
“Fuck you!” she screamed. “I’ve put up with all these rumors. I believed you when you said they were just lies. Lies my ass! You still fucking dream about him. Good God I’ve been so stupid.”

She was already fumbling with her clothes.

He lay on the bed still in shock. He couldn’t say anything even if he’d wanted to. He knew Spock had cum when he did. He remembered back to all the business with  T’Pring . All those words of “always touching, apart yet one.” He remembered how after that whole disaster he was so sure Spock would walk into his quarters and beg him to let him fuck him. But it never happened and he’d finally settled for the smile and the occasional bump of a shoulder.  _ Shit. If Spock could make him cum this hard from tens of thousands of light years away, shit. _ He couldn’t cope. He thought he was going to be ill again and he laid down.

_ Damn. Mental sharing of thoughts and feelings during sex. How the hell did Vulcans get any work done? _ He shook his head. He didn’t know what to do. A part of him wanted to call up McCoy and ask him what he should do. He joked to himself he should call Sarek and ask what to do.

That sobered him up. 

But maybe it was the universe’s way of talking to him.


	4. Adoption

The next day when he dragged his hungover ass to work and listened to people whisper about Lori finally throwing him out. And hearing more rumors of his and Spock’s relationship. He was about to shout at a cadet making some lewd comment about Lori getting sick of Vulcan cum on her sheets when he noticed two people had stopped to listen to the cadets. He thought he would pass out when he realized who they were. Sarek and Amanda. He went white. They’d seen him. And they heard. He froze. Amanda walked towards him. She smiled tentatively.    
“Capt\--Admiral, can I speak with you for a moment.”

He heard one of the cadets mutter “shit” and they scattered leaving him staring at Spock’s mother and knowing that Spock’s father was watching and listening.

A part of him wanted to run, but another part begged him to connect with Spock’s parents. Any connection with Spock was worth any price. He couldn’t find words, but he gestured and Amanda followed him to his office. Halfway down the hall he realized Sarek hadn’t followed. “The Ambassador?” He asked.

“Oh, Sarek’s got a meeting to attend to. ”

He resumed walking and palmed his door open. He gestured for Amanda to sit down. He sat down at his desk and  then got up and moved the chair to the other side of the desk so it wasn’t between him and Amanda.

“Admiral,” she began.

He cut her off. “Please call me Jim.”

She didn’t acknowledge that and continued, “Is it true, what they were saying?”

Kirk swallowed. “Yes and no. Spock and I…we…we never had a physical relationship.”

Amanda frowned. But she gave him time and he finally let everything start to flow. He told her about the kiss. And about how much he’d loved her son. And they’d melded. Kirk honestly lost track of everything he told her. It was pretty much the whole truth. He told her how Spock had made him cum from tens of thousands of light years away. When he said that, he was surprised to hear Amanda laugh.

“I remember the first time Sarek did that to me.”

Kirk realized his mouth was hanging open when she smiled back at him. “Well, he did it on purpose. I don’t think Spock meant to do that to you. But Vulcan telepathy and Vulcan sexuality are a very powerful combination.”

He felt his brain trying to process everything. “You mean with the bond you…this is normal?”

She looked at him sadly. “In a normal Vulcan bonded relationship you share mind and body. I don’t think Spock realized that you had bonded, but it sounds like you have.” She paused as if hearing something. “Sarek will be joining us.”

A moment later the door buzzed. It was Sarek. He pulled another chair over from across the room and  gestured for Sarek to have a seat. He wasn’t sure what to expect. A part of him feared the somber austere ambassador. Sarek simply looked at him, looked at Amanda, and seemed to have gotten caught up on everything.

“Kirk,” he began. “ It would seem my son has unexpectedly bonded with you. A Vulcan Healer can r elease you from the bond.”

Amanda interjected. “How about you just march into their stupid emotion-wiping church and tell your son to do the—“   
Sarek looked at her and back at Kirk. “My wife is being overly emotional. There is no need to bother Spock. He has made it clear that he wishes to attain Kohlinar. My presence will not be allowed there. Family no longer exists there.”

Kirk heard Amanda’s swallowed sob. Sarek heard it too and he turned towards her with the most gentle expression Kirk had ever seen on the Vulcan’s face. “I’m sorry, Amanda.  Avalthia .  Modesh .” Kirk didn’t know what the last two words meant but they were definitely ones of sorrow and endearment and when Amanda lifted two fingers and Sarek touched her fingers back he could pick up on the affection flowing through them. And jealousy rose in him. And remorse. And bitterness. And self-hatred.  _ Maybe if he’d not rushed things he and Spock could be sitting together touching fingers and sharing everything. Damn. _

He realized Sarek was still speaking to him. His brain caught up. “Ambassador. Thank you, but I don’t want a Healer messing with my mind.”

Sarek looked at him with concern. “You should only experience minimal discomfort—“

  
Kirk clarified. “No. I mean, the bond is all I have left of your son. No matter how much it hurts. I’ll keep it. It’s all I have.”   


Sarek stared intently at him. “Kirk, our son is very stubborn.” Kirk smiled and heard Amanda bite back a snort. “He will not admit defeat easily I’m afraid. I am not sure he will ever be able to say he made a mistake. He may achieve  Kohlinar . At least he may during the day. I still do not think there is enough mediation to resolve the internal struggle he is facing.”

Sarek thought for a moment. “Kirk, you do realize that even though you and Spock are nearly the same age that with the average Vulcan lifespan being significantly longer than human, he is not as mature as you.”   
Kirk didn’t feel very mature. “In fact, he only came into sexual maturity a few years ago and my understanding is that your apparent death brought that to an unresolved state itself, did it not?”

Kirk thought back to those years ago and could feel the Vulcan heat and gravity and taste the sand in his mouth. He could feel the Vulcan  ahn’woon tightly wound against his neck. And Spock’s erection rubbed against his leg as he passed out.  _ Shit. Why hadn’t he tried to make a move back then when he’d maybe had a chance? Nope. Wait until he got turned on over a chess game. Smooth move, JT. Smooth move. _

He realized Spock’s parents were still staring at him expectantly. “Yes. That’s right.”

Amanda  connected the dots. “I imagine the bond was formed then. Just low level. Probably easily replaced the bond that had been forced with  T’Pring .” She turned towards Sarek. “We made a mistake.”

He nodded. “Yes, we have acknowledged that before.”

“But it was worse then we thought,” she insisted. Kirk recognized self-deprecation. Sarek shrugged almost imperceptibly.

“Nothing can be done now. Either Spock will achieve  Kohlinar and will master his mind and on that day he should be able to terminate the link. Or he will  realize that he can admit that he would prefer other options in his future. We cannot impact his decision.”

Amanda looked at Kirk. “You are ok with leaving the bond?”

He nodded. “It’s all I have left.”

She smiled at him. “No, it’s not.”

He looked blankly at her. She met his gaze. “Your mother died a few years back, didn’t she?”

Kirk was puzzled. “Yes, but…”

“I remember Spock saying he was going to Earth to the funeral to be there for you.”   
Kirk remembered the day and felt tears well up in his eyes. For himself. For his lost mother. For his lost love.

“I don’t want to replace her, but may I be  _ A  _ mother to you?”

This time the tears rolled out of his eyes without  warning. He blinked furiously and was sure Sarek was going to say something  ab out human emotions. He was surprised when Sarek spoke softly. “In Vulcan tradition,  couples often adopt orphaned children, even grown orphaned children. We would be honored if you would  allow us to consider you one of our sons.”

Kirk couldn’t stop the tears now. And a sob from buried emotion rose up in his throat. He couldn’t speak. He was shocked to find Amanda’s arms around him and he held her letting his tears fall onto her shoulder. She hugged him tightly. “For both of my sons,” she whispered. She let him go and stood back.

“Vid chat me every now and again. Ok? You’re all we have left too. ”

Sarek stood and followed his wife to the door. “Be well, Kirk,” he said softly. And they were gone. Kirk sat in his office and then moved the chairs back to their usual place. He took the wedding ring off his hand, surprised that he’d left it there after everything of last night. He put it in  the disposal unit and activated the button.

His computer was blinking with unread tasks and messages. The first few were  typical briefings. There was a divorce request from Lori’s lawyer. He signed it, checked the option effective immediately, and went on to the next message. Scotty had some new ideas for the Enterprise refit. Even though Nogura was going to give command to someone else, Scotty still ran everything by Kirk. He jotted approval and continued with his work. He was going to be ok. For the firs t time in a long time, he felt like he could be ok. 

That night he went back home to his apartment. Every trace of Lori was gone and he was grateful. He didn’t know if things would ever be really good again, but somehow with Spock’s parents caring about him, he felt like he could function again. He let himself have on e snifter of brandy before bed and then he lay down. He  couldn’t fall asleep, but he felt calmer than he had in a while. 

Somewhere in the night his mind filled with words. They were Vulcan and he couldn’t understand them. But one word kept repeating with his own name.  _ Jim.  _ _ Thy’la _ _. Jim.  _ _ Thy’la _ .

In the morning he couldn’t shake it. T he day dragged on at work. He heard the words on endless repeat in his mind. When he got home he vid  comme d Amanda. He was not sure she would answer. He really didn’t know what time it was for her.

But she answered. “Good morning,” she started. Then she looked at something. “Sorry, I realize it’s evening there. How are you?”

He paused. Suddenly calling Spock’s mother seemed weird. He was just dragging them into the craziness. The three of them should just accept that Spock was done with the lot of them. But he couldn’t.

“I keep getting words in my mind. What does ‘t ’ hy’la’ mean?”

He was surprised by Amanda’s frown. “I don’t know,” she replied honestly. “Let me ask Sarek.”   
She stepped out of sight of the vid screen for a few moments. When she returned there was a faint blush on her cheeks. “It means friend. Brother. Lover. All of those. In ancient warrior Vulcan culture homosexual relationships were valued and treasured.”

Kirk shook his head. “Is he trying to destroy me?”

She smiled sadly. “I don’t think so. I think he’s trying to sort through everything himself. But he’s not in a place that’s going to help that. They’re just going to teach him methods to bury emotion further. I truly don’t know how he can be so stubborn.”

“I need to stop hoping he’ll change his mind. But then he thinks things like this and—“

Amanda nodded. “I know. It gives me hope too. And I know it shouldn’t. Because he is very good at burying emotions. And he can be a very good Vulcan.”   


Kirk thought for a moment. “But he’s always better when he’s just Spock. When he is the best of both of his worlds.”

“He’s trying to erase my side of him. He may win.”

Kirk was surprised when Sarek came into the view on the view screen. “Perhaps not. But I imagine it will take him a long time to reach a logical conclusion.”

Amanda smiled lovingly at her husband. “So in this case acknowledging emotions would be the logical decision, would it not?”

Sarek’s eyes smiled back at her. “I will concede that statement does not sound logical, but it is.”

Amanda smiled at  Sarek and at Kirk.

“Good night,” he said and broke the connection. He had his computer access Vulcan ancient warrior culture. He was shocked to find stories and images that were really on the pornographic side to him. They turned him on and as he read stories of mind-blowing sex with telepathic connections he decided  to jerk off to one of the images. He chose one that looked the least like Spock and tried so hard not to think of his Vulcan. He just thought about the warrior in the story. But in the end, when he came, Spock’s face was the only thing he saw. And he whispered Spock’s name as he came.

The next few nights were a repeat of the same. He read Vulcan warrior hot  sex scenes and jerked off. After the fifth night, he felt better during the day. He hadn’t thought about Spock all day. People at work stayed out of hi s way. The cadets in his class looked like they expected him to shout at him any moment. He recognized a few of the faces as some of those that had been talking about him and Spock. They all must be scared of him. Fine. It was better this way.  Fear was fine. It was better than pity.

He called Amanda up about a week after he’d called her the first time. “Jim,” she said with a warm smile. It made him feel good to hear her call him by his first name. “You look better.”

For a moment he almost said “Yeah, jerking off to Vulcan porn is helping.” But he bit his tongue. “I haven’t felt him as much this past week. I think that’s helped me feel better.” He realized as he said it that he hadn’t felt the bond flare in a few days. And he did feel better. Until he thought about it. His s mile faded. “I  guess it’s a confusing mess. It’ll kill me if I  never feel him again though.”

Amanda  nodded. “Don’t get your hopes up. But don’t give up just yet. Right now focus on you. The  only way a relationship can ever work is when both people are comfortable  with themselves. Get your confidence in yourself back. Forgive yourself.  You’d forgive him in a heartbeat wouldn’t you?”

He nodded. “Of course.”

“Then forgive yourself. Focus on Starfleet. Do something new and different.”

“Vulcan.” He said out of nowhere.

She looked at him quizzically.

“I’m going to learn Vulcan. It’s a useful trait, right? And if he ever changes his mind… ” He trailed off. 

Amanda  nodded understandingly. “There are lots of good apps for language learning. And I’ll be happy to help. You know I was a linguistics teacher? It’s how Sarek and I met. ”


	5. Strengthening the Bond

For the next few months he spent every night studying Vulcan and reading Vulcan warrior porn. He eventually began to read it in Vulcan. It had a lot more meaning than before. He vid  commed Amanda once a week. Usually on Fridays. Sometimes Sarek popped his head in and he seemed pleased that Kirk now spoke to them almost exclusively in Vulcan.

One Friday night he asked Amanda what she was doing and he noticed she seemed a bit down. “Sarek has to go on an ambassador meeting to  Elrius IX. ” Kirk frowned. He couldn’t remember what was special about the planet but some alarm bell went off in his mind.

Amanda confirmed the reason. “Women are property there. I would not be safe. Even with Sarek.  Other women have been…” she trailed off. “Anyhow, I get to spend a week here by myself. I guess I can tend to my rose garden.”

Kirk had by now learned that Amanda’s rose garden was a true pride of hers. Being able to have Earth roses grown on the inhospitable Vulcan soil had taken her years to accomplish.

“Maybe I can come see your roses?” He offered. Thinking a few days of spending time with his adopted mother might do him good.

She lit up like a Christmas tree. “Would you? I’d so love that. And Sarek will be glad to know I’m not alone.”   
“Only if you promise to not let me slip into Standard. I want to practice Vulcan the whole time.”   
“Agreed.”

Kirk traveled to Vulcan on a private shuttle. It had cost a few hundred thousand credits to rent, but he didn’t have anything to save his money for. And he sure as hell wasn’t going on  mass transit. He feared what people would say if he was noted traveling to Vulcan. He couldn’t deal with rumors resurfacing. Not now.

The first day with Amanda was relaxing and peaceful. Her  roses were beautiful and a testament to her making the best blend of Earth and Vulcan. He found the  day perfect. That night he had been in the spare bedroom for a moment before he began to feel Spock. He began to sob. He had tried to keep them quiet, but they were his and Spock’s and they were beyond his control. Amanda was by his side in a matter of moments, but even with her worried face in front of her he couldn’t stop crying. He couldn’t breathe at his own pace and his head began to pound with pain. It felt like a knife was being stabbed repeatedly into the base of his skull. His sobs turned to cries of pain and he couldn’t catch a breath. Amanda began to chastise herself. “You’re too close. It’s strengthening the bond.”

Finally Kirk found words through the pain. “He’s trying to cut the bond. It hurts.” Then the pain became much worse than before. He found himself screaming with pain and was grateful when he passed out.

He came to in a  well decorated shuttlecraft. His body gratefully recognized that they were in deep space. Amanda was next to him and he realized she must have appropriated a shuttle from  her  Ambassador status. She was sitting worried beside  him.  “I’m so sorry, Jim. I should have known that you being closer to him would strengthen the link. I’ve got us at maximum impulse power. We should be back on Earth in 3 hours.”

Kirk realized that he was hearing Spock still in his mind. “He keeps saying he can terminate the bond. He keeps telling himself over and over again that he can  break it any time. He’s telling himself he can do it. But it must have hurt him  as much as it hurt me. He’s not trying to break it. But I can hear him so clearly. God —“ Kirk lay there for a minute. 

Amanda looked at him concernedly  . “I should have called a Healer. But I couldn’t. Because I knew they would break the bond. So I just started getting you off the planet.”

Kirk smiled at her. “Stop worrying.  If I can hear him this clearly, I don’t think he is going to be able to break the bond. I don’t think he could even if he wanted to. The pain. It was intense. For the first time in a long time I really think he might change his mind. I don’t know. I just realize that he knows this is a part of him that he can’t change even though he’s trying to talk himself into believing he can.”

After a bit Kirk fell asleep, realizing Spock must have done the same. He woke up in his apartment. Amanda was sitting by his bedside. He had no memory of the rest of the trip home. She smiled at him. “Welcome back. You had me scared for a bit.”

Kirk felt his throbbing head. There was something different. He could feel Spock. But he could feel something. Searching. He didn’t know how to describe it. All of a sudden he felt  emotions and thoughts he didn’t know how to process.

“Amanda, I think you better go home. If he decides to leave the monastery, he might need to go home. You need to be there.”   
  
Amanda stared at him with unbridled hope. “You really think he’s going to leave?” 

Kirk shrugged. “Something is very different. He’s fighting things but I can clearly feel his mind reaching. It reaches for me, but then it reaches past me. I don’t know how to explain it. But he’s changing. He’s not trying to bury this link. He’s trying to harness it. Like a rope. But I’m almost certain there’s something else he’s trying to reach for. Not just me. But a —I don’t know. It’s like he just thought of another option. I don’t know what it is. But suddenly he feels like he has more choices.”

Amanda stood up. “Ill go home. I hope you’re right. Get some rest. I’ll call you tomorrow .”

Kirk fell asleep. He awoke to the non-stop buzz of his communicator. He finally answered it and was briefed of an alien intruder destroying ships in their wake.


	6. T'hy'la

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Insert Star Trek: The Motion Picture up to the hand-holding scene in sickbay before reading this chapter

Kirk listened  to McCoy explaining the neural damage to Spock’s brain. A part of him thought it was the most horrible irony in the universe that had seemed to turn cruelly against him two years ago. Or maybe it had always been cruel. But he wasn’t sure McCoy was right. If he concentrated he could feel that link. Even though Spock had ignored it so far and had shown  no real sign that he was here for anything other than exploring how V’ger  had successfully  functioned as a vast emotionless life form. Was that really all that he was here for?

The sound of Spock’s laughter was so shocking to Kirk that for a moment he was not sure that he had not started to hallucinate. But when he went to Spock’s side and felt Spock’s hand touch his,  he suddenly knew everything was going to be alright. Even if the whole universe was destroyed, it was ok. He could feel Spock’s mind willingly touching his. They shared their  affection for each other. He felt Spock’s love for him. Spock started to touch on their shared sorrow, but it was too much for his recovering mind so he changed his focus to affection. And Kirk knew that everything he’d suffered in the last two years was worth this hand holding. Was worth it that  people were watching them. That if they survived this ordeal the situation would fuel the rumor mills for years to come. 

For the first time since Lori’s untimely death a few days earlier he felt bad for her. He felt guilty. He hoped she was okay that he finally got what he wanted. Because he’d settle for this. Even if Spock never gave him anything else. This was good enough. He held Spock’s hand so tightly he was sure he was going to leave bruises. McCoy had been right that Spock’s brain had suffered some trauma. Spock was having a very hard time processing his emotions and his mental shields were all over the place. But Spock’s  mind was touching his and he was holding his hand. And Kirk could care less about anything else for a long moment.

Finally his Starfleet training kicked back in and he focused on the mission. The successful resolution and stand down of V’ger was a relief. He felt a twinge of emotion when Decker said that his merging with Ilia and V’ger were as much as Kirk wanted the Enterprise back. Yes, he’d wanted the Enterprise back. But he would give the Enterprise up and half the universe to just be back holding Spock’s hand. 

He told  DeFalco to take the Enterprise out  thataway . And for a moment it was like old times. He was in the command seat. The Enterprise was in deep space. Spock was at the science station. McCoy was in sickbay.

_ Damn _ , he realized.  _ I’ve never made things right with Bones. I’ve got to do that _ . 

“Spock, you have the bridge.  When shift changes will you meet me in my quarters for a game of chess.”

To his horror he heard Uhura mutter under her breath “Is that what they call it nowadays?”   
He looked at her and she smiled at him in such a way that he didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t look at Spock. He froze, unsure of how to proceed. But Spock acted like even with his Vulcan hearing he hadn’t heard her. “Yes, sir,” he said with no trace of emotion. And Kirk couldn’t pick up on any thought changes in the slightly humming link.

He exited the bridge and went to Sickbay. McCoy and Chapel were both in the  office talking to each other but they stopped mid sentence when he walked in.

“I owe you both an apology. Especially you, Bones. But you were right Doctor Chapel.”

“Christine please,” she said with a smile and stood up. “ See Leonard, I told you so.”

McCoy laughed at her and watched her leave. “She turned into a hell of a doctor. But she was a hell of a nurse.”

Kirk sat down. He wanted to say things but he didn’t know where to start. “Bones, I’m sorry I took my pain out on you.”

McCoy didn’t say anything.  He just stared for a moment. “Y’all alright?”

Kirk shrugged slightly. “ I hope to get that sorted out soon. But even if it’s never more than what it is this moment, I’m alright. I’ve learned a lot these past two years.”

McCoy nodded.  “Looks like he has too.”

Kirk shrugged again. “Maybe. I think he learned more in the past few days than he did the rest of the past two years.”

“You’re probably right,” McCoy acknowledged.  “Have you figured out what you’re going to say?”

Kirk laughed. “I’d played this out  thousands of times in my mind. But they never started like this. Now all my lines have gone out the window.”

“Stay away from lines,” McCoy advised. “Try from the heart.”

“Thanks Bones. I’m really sorry. I hope you can forgive me.”

“That’s what friends are for,” McCoy said and suddenly Kirk found himself in an embrace. McCoy hugged him briefly and then walked out the door leaving Kirk alone in sickbay.

He went to his quarters. He was more nervous than a teenager on a first date. He thought about changing his clothes .  But that seemed really obvious. Besides, he knew the grey uniforms looked good on him.  He almost poured himself a drink, but he was determined to be completely in his right mind.

He was relieved when the doors opened and Spock walked in. He realized that a part of him had thought Spock might not even show up. He remembered Uhura’s comment. How had Spock not reacted to it?

Spock stood in the doorway and for a moment Kirk thought Spock was going to just turn around and leave. He let out the breath that he hadn’t realized he’d been holding when  Spock sat down and the door closed behind him.

They both stared at each other and suddenly he felt the shield go down in his mind. The link flared, vibrant and warm. He could feel Spock’s fears, sorrows, and affection. Spock didn’t know where to begin either.

“Jim.” He finally said. And hearing his name coming from Spock in that soft gentle tone was  a welcome change from how Spock had spoken so much of the rest of this voyage.

“I do not know—“ Spock began in Standard.

“T ’ hyla.” Kirk said simply. “ Modesh .”

“You’ve learned Vulcan,” Spock exclaimed in Vulcan.

“Obviously,” Kirk replied wryly.

Spock looked at him and for a moment Kirk saw the familiar flicker of fear and anxiety shimmer in Spock’s eyes. But the Vulcan made his decision and suddenly had crossed the distance between them and stood inches from Kirk with a hand on his shoulder. Then he was pulling Kirk up and tilting his head up. And God, he was kissing him. This time it was Kirk who melted into Spock and when Spock laid a hand against his head the bond hummed with full intensity. He could feel his tongue touch Spock’s and feel how his own tongue felt against Spock’s. And all the years of remorse and longing and sexual frustration were undone and unleashed. He heard Spock’s mental laughter.  _ This is a much better game of chess _ , Spock thought. And Kirk knew that Spock had been ok with Uhura’s comment. That he was okay with the whole universe knowing they were a couple. They’d wasted two whole years, but they would not waste any more time. 

Spock was kissing him and holding him possessively and moving them both towards the alcove where the bed lay. All his dreaming and hoping were poor imitations of what it actually was like to have Spock holding him and making a move on him. He was so hard  and so turned on that he was afraid if Spock just touched his cock he was going to cum right then and there. But Spock was still taking it slow and was kissing him and working on the damn fastenings of the one piece uniform. They were not easy to open one handed. He wanted to reach to help, but Spock seemed determine to prove that this time this was  entirely what Spock wanted. That it was wholly his idea. And his enthusiasm  fueled Kirk’s desire. When Spock finally got his uniform to slide down he wanted to beg. He needed to feel Spock up against him. Needed everything. Spock mentally smiled. A shimmer of sunlight.  Spock was going to take it as slow as he could. Because Spock knew he wouldn’t last a second either. And they’d waited too long for it to be over too quickly.  Spock laid him down on the bed. He realized he was in briefs and Spock was still fully clothed. His erection pressed against his briefs uncomfortably. He reached for the fastening of Spock’s uniform and this time Spock let him undress him.  He pulled Spock down onto the bed beside him, afraid that if he touched him fully he’d lose his control.

He traced Spock’s ears, lingering over the unique points. Spock traced his own ears back. They looked each other in the eyes and the passion there flared along the ir mental link and they moved as one.

For a moment Spock was on top of Kirk and they were thrusting together.  But Kirk knew he wasn’t going to last much longer and it was going too fast for him.

He slid down and pulled the briefs down releasing Spock’s weeping erection. He smiled  predatorily and took it in his mouth as he had wanted to for so long.

Spock involuntarily thrust into his mouth. He could feel what Spock was feeling. The warmth of his own mouth. It was so intense that he had to dig his fingers into his palm to stop himself from coming even though nothing was touching his own dick.

Spock moaned. “Jim. No one has ever—“ But he lost coherent thought when Kirk deep throated him. The thrill of knowing that he was the only person to have ever given Spock a blow job, and the thrill of feeling everything Spock was feeling and how Spock’s desire and pleasure went straight to his own solar plexus and straight to his own cock was almost too much. He realized Spock was trying to do something to reach him, but he shook his head. “I’m going to cum the second I’m touched. I want it to last another minute.” As he felt Spock’s pleasure rise he moved himself so that his brief-clad erection rubbed against Spock’s leg. He finally broke rhythm for a moment to pull his own briefs down. The sob of relief Spock murmured when his mouth reclaimed his erection was the most erotic thing he had ever heard in his whole life. He began to suck harder while he let his erection rub against Spock’s leg. Both of them knew they were going to cum and neither of them stopped their rhythm. Spock’s hands went to the meld spot and as they came their minds linked. This was much more intense than their previous encounter that had them separated by tens of thousands of light years. Kirk could feel what his body felt like against Spock’s and feeling what he felt mixed with his own sensations was too much. As they splattered cum against each other he realized Spock was saying something in Vulcan. His mind translated.  _ Touching. Always touching. Apart. Yet one. T _ _ ’ _ _ hyl'a. Jim. _

This time the bond flared. Colors and emotions mixed together. He knew this bond was strong and permanent. He felt Spock’s love and affection and then he felt remorse and regret start to flare too. He reached out mentally. And wrapped it up with a visualized bow.  _ No regrets. No remorse.  _ _ Ka _ _ ii _ _ dth _ _. What is, is. _

He felt Spock’s smile. “Now you are quoting Vulcan logic to me?”

“I’ve had a lot of time to study it,” Kirk said truthfully. “I do think Ka ii dth is a very useful concept.”

Spock nodded and held Kirk close. For the first night in years Kirk slept onboard a starship. The lull of the engines and the arms of his beloved rocked him to sleep.


End file.
